Reusing a dead baby's name???

Before I lost Andrew, I loved to watch baby shows (e.g., "Baby Story," "Special Delivery," "Bringing Home Baby,"). I tivo'd tons of baby shows and watched them hours at a time, imagining how my birthing experience would be. After Andrew died, I stopped watching these shows because they were too painful. Now that I'm pregnant again, I'm beginning to watch these shows again. It's still painful, but I can't seem to help myself.

It really pisses me off that none of these babies die, even the premature babies often featured on "Special Delivery." (I know this makes me a horrible person, but that's what losing a child did to me--it made me bitter.) No matter how tenuous their premature births seems to be, they always pull through and do well. Just once, I want to see one of these babies die. That's reality. Babies die. Mine did. I saw other babies die in the NICU as well. These reality shows should reflect reality. Otherwise, they give parents a false sense of security. I know that for the longest time, I couldn't accept the possibility that Andrew might die, even when he was the sickest baby in a very full NICU, because I kept thinking that he'd pull through, just like every baby on these baby shows I'd seen.

Earlier this week, I was flipping through the tv guide on my cable system, and I noticed that an upcoming "Baby Story" was about a woman giving birth after losing her twins. I taped it and watched it last night. This lady lost one of her twin boys in utero at 26 weeks. The other one was delivered alive a few days later, but he died in the NICU after only 12 days from a massive infection. The one that died in utero was only mentioned briefly. But they showed a picture of the one that lived for 12 days. His name was Jonathan. He was so cute. He reminded me of Andrew, with the ventilator tube and feeding tube taped to his face.

Well, later in the show, the lady delivered a new healthy baby boy who they named Jonathan as well. This really made me angry. During the show, the parents were talking about how this baby wasn't a replacement for the sons that they lost and that they wanted this baby to know about his older brothers who were in heaven. This makes sense. I've thought these same things about Andrew and the little boy I'm now carrying. But to reuse the same name? I couldn't ever. I have a son named Andrew. He was my first born. Andrew died, but he's still my son. I wouldn't ever use the name Andrew for this new baby. He's not a replacement. He will be Andrew's little brother. If Andrew had lived, I wouldn't name this baby Andrew. I have to believe that if their Jonathan had lived, they wouldn't have reused the name either.

Now I haven't walked in their shoes. And if Andrew's dying taught me anything, it's that people deal with grief in different ways, and one way isn't necessarily better than another. I'm sure they have a reason for reusing the name Jonathan. But for the life of me, I just can't understand their thinking.